Creating Intimacy

[desayunoencama]

A spin-off of a comment elsewhere in this journal:

I'm curious to know how people create intimacy in their relationships (past or present).

While having sex with someone is often referred to as having "intimate relations" with said person, I think true intimacy in a relationship happens outside of sex. There are plenty of people I've had sex with who I am not at all intimate with in the sense of having a relationship with them. Perhaps that is more a reflection of me (see related musings below about writing about sex) but in general, the first time one has sex with someone, depending on the circumstances under which you've met and how long you've known each other, which can range anywhere from minutes to years, one has not always had a chance to develop intimacy.

I think writing about intimacy can probably be more revealing and "intimate" than detailing one's sexual exploit. Tony Kushner writes in his essay "Fick Oder Kaputt!" collected in his collection THINKING ABOUT THE LONGSTANDING PROBLEMS OF VIRTUE AND HAPPINESS (A book I'd strongly recommend, by the way, for me it's one of my touchstone references along with Ursula K. Le Guin's DANCING AT THE EDGE OF THE WORLD):

"It is impossible to talk or write about sex without revealing too much of yourself. Whereas conversely it is possible I think to HAVE sex and reveal nothing of yourself whatsoever."

I think even with people we are truly intimate with, a large part of our revealing who we are happens outside of sex. Hence this question.

In my last significant relationship, one of the things that built intimacy for us was having breakfast in bed, something we did nearly every morning. Neither of us are morning people, really, but I'd bought us each these plastic trays with legs at IKEA, and whoever's house we were at would make breakfast for both of us.

(Incidentally, that's where the name of this journal (desayunoencama, which is Spanish for breakfast in bed) comes from.)

The other thing we used to do that built intimacy in our relationship, was feed the leftover bread to the geese who live in a pond in the park that was halfway between our apartments. It was a together-thing that we did; we'd either both leave the apartment together with yesterday's bread (one of the good things about living in Spain is excellent and abundant fresh bread) or we'd often rendezvous at the park and then go together somewhere, either our apartments or elsewhere. Of course, we didn't ALWAYS stop at the pond every day, or couldn't always coordinate to do so together, so sometimes bread would accumulate for a few days, since we'd wait for the other to go feed the geese.

I know some couples who fight as their intimacy-creating thing. Well, it's something they do together, and it's intense, and usually there's the making-up afterwards...

So what do you do that creates intimacy with your partner(s)?

Comments

[misia.livejournal.com]

It may sound oldfashioned, but... we talk. Unreservedly, emotionally, introspectively, childishly, pontificatingly, woolgatheringly, uncertainly, grandiosely, nearly endlessly. My partner and I, after seven and a half years together, still talk about everything and nothing, from breakfast cereals to bad drivers to big dreams to disappointments to big highfalutin' yammerfests about ethics.

Talking (and corresponding) is how I establish intimacy with my friends, too. Always has been. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it has also very often been how I have fallen in love.

I've never fallen in love with someone with whom I was not emotionally and intellectually intimate. Had sex with, been in lust with, lusted after, fornicated with, yes. Fallen in love with, no.

[lcohen]

talking yes, but for me, talking in ways that make us vulnerable. the closer the friendship, the deeper the intimacy, the more vulnerable i am, always. if i am vulnerable and there is not a corresponding opening up on the other person's part then i close up after a bit and the moment is usually lost.

[larryhammer]

When we were first started dating, we had Saturday brunch together—cooking ourselves something more than our usual student fare and splurging on a bottle of sparkling cider. At her place (fewer roommates).

Now, we try each day to have at least one sit-down meal together, usually dinner, where reading, television, et cet. are forbidden. During the meal, we talk—about the day, the news, our writing, ourselves, each other. Doesn't always happen, what with evening commitments, but we try.

Also, we read together. Usually different books, but often breaking in to read choice bits aloud to the other.

And, of course, never underestimate the power of a good cuddle.

---L.

[larryhammer]

I left something out: we're friends before we're lovers. Where before is literal as well as metaphorical—we were best friends for nearly three years before we started dating.

---L.

[susanstinson.livejournal.com]

She reads to me. Also, at the beginning of our relationship, we had three years or so of letters almost every day -- for part of the time she was tree planting, and after work would write by a campfire on the back of anything -- old political flyers, envelopes -- in her blocky letters -- once, I think, the back of a soup label, and I had to send mail to her general delivery. There were strange time lags. Still now, some twenty years later, I sometimes send her a letter to get to the heart of something.

Hello. How very nice to see you appearing on my list.

[angeyja.livejournal.com]

Whereas conversely it is possible I think to HAVE sex and reveal nothing of yourself whatsoever.

Mmm. I don't actually agree with this part of the quote. I think it's pretty difficult to interact with others on any level and reveal nothing of yourself whatsoever. What do you think?

[desayunoencama.livejournal.com]

Oh, I think it's very accurate, especially for a gay man writing about sex and the easy availability of casual sex in gay subculture. Not that it's only restricted to gay men: think of anyone who is involved in professional sex work: it's quite easy to distinguish the physical sexual act from the type of sex-in-the-context-of-intimacy that means something more because of this context.

But even thinking not about sex, but just physical intimacy. Fine, there is a certain comfort just in being held, caressed, stroked, whatever by another human being. But these actions mean completely different things if performed by a stranger versus someone with whom you have a history/relationship/context.

But that sort of relationship/intimacy is not a prerequisite for them to take place, either for the affection or for the sex (or both together).

[neonnurse.livejournal.com]

A little late here, because I couldn't think of exactly what I wanted to say. Then a quote on one of my lists came around that was perfect. It's by Maria Edgeworth, (1767- 1849) English children's author. "The human heart, at whatever age, opens only to the heart that opens in return."

And there you have the secret. :)