Crushes

[desayunoencama]

I've been thinking about the nature of crushes due to a casual comment in a post elsewhere in this journal, and the different ways men and women express their admiration.

I think women are much more open about declaring their admiration, and usually better able to pinpoint what it is about the object of their infatuation that they admire about him/her.

I think it's far more typical for men to conflate an admiration for some nebulous intellectual or emotional quality or achievement or capability (usually one which they themselves lack but would like to possess) with sexual attractiveness--especially in an office setting.

That is to say, if a female coworker is especially capable, rather than saying she's capable/efficient/whatever, it's typical for a (straight) man to instead say she's sexy. Not that a woman can't be both sexy and capable, but instead of recognizing that he finds her sexy BECAUSE she's capable, he just stops with the physical. (I wonder if this is one of the reasons--apart from convenience and the power imbalance--that so many businessmen have affairs with their secretaries.)

Making the admiration sexual rather than based on aptitude is one way to avoid recognizing the lack of said quality in himself.

Also, given the pyramid-like structure of power in today's society, with straight white men at the top and anyone else on varying rungs below that, it's more "acceptable" for a man to sexually desire someone on a rung below himself--it's almost expected, the exotic appeal of that which is "base" or lower class being equated with earthy and passionate and etc.--as opposed to ENVYING someone on a rung below himself, which would imply their being "above" him (at least with respect to that quality he envies)

These are all, of course, gross generalizations, but I wonder what y'all have to say about gender and admirations and infatuations...

Comments

[janni.livejournal.com]

For a long time, my typical response to a crush was to bury it so deeply that neither I nor my object could be truly aware of it. I think it's sometimes easier for women to openly declare admiration the older they get, as self-consciousness fades a little.

My reaction to declaring someone "sexy" rather than "talented" or having aptitude is that this is an attempt to diminish the value or even existance of said aptitude. Not sure if this is unfair or not.

[janni.livejournal.com]

OTOH, competence and aptitude can make one sexy. Sexy because of competence instead of sexy instead of competence.

[editrx.livejournal.com]

This has nothing to do with crushes, but rather that I just found that you're here, Larry! Whoohoo!

Does this mean the party starts?

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Fascinating. At first glance, some of it seems backward to me (which just means it's always more complicated than that).

Many straight men seem (from the outside) unable to have crushes on women if they also admire those women for traits they wish they had. These are the men who actively look for women who are less competent and less functional than themselves. I think that's my baseline stereotype on men and crushes. On the other hand, when I think about what you suggest, I do think I've seen it, and it fits in with Carol Clover's lovely theory (in Men, Women, and Chainsaws) about how the men in the audience are really identifying with the girls getting carved up in the horror movies, and especially with the "Final Girl," who participates in her own rescue.

As for gender and crushes overall, the comment I've made for some years is that (generalization alert!) men seem to be much more drawn to a single physical type or small range, where women seem to be much more drawn to personality types or characteristics. Many women (like me) who do have a particular type or two that turn our heads on the street nonetheless get our crushes on people more for who they are than how they look. In my experience, many men are more likely to like but not be attracted to someone who doesn't fit their physical parameters.

[janni.livejournal.com]

I've always found that once I'm in a relationship, the guy in question becomes attractive, whether he was my type before or not.

But I've known men for whom this is true, as well.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

Yes, absolutely. What I'm talking about (and I never mean all men or all women) is not whether people become attractive once you're in a sexual relationship with them, but whether you'd even consider a sexual relationship with someone you don't necessarily find physically atractive.

[desayunoencama.livejournal.com]

I usually have better sex with people who don't fit my physical type, because there usually has to be some other connection--emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.--to overcome the physical that makes us wind up in bed, and if there's connection the sex is usually better than just because I find someone to be physically attractive.

Therefore, it's hard to figure out my "type" because my sexual history is all over the map in terms of types of men: body types, ages, etc.

Although my predilection is for short (under 5'8"--much more manhandleable), dark latinos (and people wonder why I live in Spain!).

But lately, some of the best sex I've had has been with too-tall (over 6'), blond Dutch or German boys (who feel the same way about short, dark latinos and are always vacationing in Spain so there are plenty of them around, too).

[janni.livejournal.com]

Makes sense. I would (if there were a friendship there first), but I've known plenty of people who wouldn't. Have even looked in bafflement at one or two, seeing a couple who are perfect for each other in every way, except that they can't get things to spark between the physically.

Which brings up the whole question of where infatuations and crushes come from, which I suspect differs greatly person to person, even aside from any dividing along gender lines.

[desayunoencama.livejournal.com]

Obviously, we don't have sexual relationships with every person we are attracted to.

Sometimes, we don't have any relationship with them. Personally, I don't tend to get infatuations on actors or actresses the way many people seem to. I think, on the contrary, I can get them on certain literary characters through, which may simply be because I'm a much more word-oriented rather than visually-oriented person.

[janni.livejournal.com]

Heh. I think I've been infatuated with literary and movie characters in about equal proportion, over my lifetime. (And have even found book characters to sometimes be more attractive than their direct movie counterparts.)